The superhero genre, after dominating theaters for over a decade, finally met its demise—and wouldn’t you know it, Sony just delivered the death blow. Madame Web isn’t merely a bad movie, it’s an autopsy report, a masterclass in cinematic self-sabotage. This poor film was cobbled together over years, the seams showing with every baffling decision.
Watching the actual film is pure absurdist comedy. The opening act is like a low-budget historical drama teleported from the wrong set – it’s all cheesy and nonsensical. Cut to present-day Boston–not-New-York, and our disengaged Dakota suddenly develops vaguely spider-based superpowers. Why? Who knows! Then there’s Adam Scott, a.k.a. Uncle Ben with the Spider-Man connection surgically removed. References to Peter Parker are MIA, replaced by awkward whispers of babies whose names MAYBE rhyme with ‘Fleeter’. Just wait, it gets better!
Our villain, Ezekiel Sims (Tahar Rahim, desperately trying to inject some menace into the proceedings), is hellbent on killing three masked, spider-themed ladies in the future for reasons best described as “plot device.” Don’t bother wondering why they don’t stop him themselves – “Madame Web” is not that kind of movie.
This “thriller” is about as tense as a boring seminar. Our three teenage targets might as well be walking cliches, and Johnson’s line delivery rivals Kristen Stewart’s legendary monotone. But hey, there’s Pepsi! This film’s product placement is so shameless, every emotional beats gets punctuated with strategically placed Pepsi ads. The worst part? They clearly tried to scrub Spider-Man from the final cut, like this bizarrely Peter-less universe somehow makes MORE sense.
Johnson and Sydney Sweeney try injecting a bit of quirkiness, but it gets swallowed by the messy script and bizarre tone. There are hints of a better, maybe self-aware movie somewhere deep down, but instead, we get awkward nods to 2003 and a lame dance scene to “Toxic.”
In the end, Madame Web isn’t just a bad superhero film, it’s an oddly fascinating trainwreck to be honest. Its utter disconnect from comic lore, its bizarre tonal shifts, and the inexplicable choices leave you in awe. Who needs action and thrills when you’ve got this much unintentional hilarity?
